Hey Friend,

It's gratitude season, and I'll admit I'm a little peeved about adding to the mayhem in your inboxes. But before we all begin expressing gratitude ad-nauseum before the Thanksgiving "break," I have some thoughts I'd like to share...

I have mixed feelings about gratitude.

I know it’s important. I know the research is overwhelming and that practicing gratitude can reduce stress, improve resilience, deepen relationships, and literally change how our brains process the world. Of course, these are all beautiful, helpful things.

And yet…

Gratitude is too often weaponized. Especially in workplaces.

It becomes a “cure-all” that leaders reach for when morale is low, people are burning out, or the organization is quietly (or loudly) falling apart. It becomes a glossy substitute for the messy, real work of fixing the systems and behaviors that cause harm.

Here's what that might look like:

• "Thank you for staying late again," when someone is consistently overextended, understaffed, or carrying more than their fair share...
• "We're so grateful you always take on the tough situations," when there is a pattern of emotional labor being dumped on the same people while others get to opt out...
• "You're the glue of this team," when what's actually happening is one person doing unpaid and unresourced work to hold morale and culture together...
• "You're such a team player!" when the person is sacrificing personal time, rest, or boundaries for the team to function...

Each of these examples sounds like gratitude.

But these types of praise often actually reinforce imbalance, inequity, burnout, and systems that aren't working.

They thank the symptoms, rather than addressing the conditions that cause suffering.

Then, when people are still unhappy?

We accuse them of being ungrateful.

BLAHHHHHHHH
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Spoiler alert(s):

1. Gratitude practices can’t be used as a Band-Aid.
2. We can’t fix mistrust, inequity, or chronic overwhelm with a pizza party.
3. We can’t “cheer” people into belonging or appreciation.
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Gratitude is not and cannot be used as a detour around the hard stuff.

It can be a tool for making the hard stuff bearable, meaningful, and more human IF (and only if) the foundations and intentions are solid.

The truth is, when gratitude shows up at work, it often feels performative, like too little too late, or honestly, like nothing at all.

Many employees say they rarely or never feel meaningfully appreciated at work. In fact, nearly 4 out of 5 people who quit their jobs say that a lack of appreciation played a big role in the decision.
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Not pay.
Not the commute.
Not workload.

Feeling unseen. Unvalued. Unappreciated.

And yet, leaders are so rarely taught HOW to express gratitude that actually nourishes and supports people.

Then, because we don't have the skills we need, sharing appreciation often comes across as transactional, forced, or like a setup.

It doesn't have to be like this!

When leaders know what they're doing and have the tools to express appreciation well, work feels lighter, people collaborate better, and destructive conflict is reduced. Yes, even when the work is really really hard. And yes, even in unprecedented times such as these.
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What Meaningful Gratitude Looks Like

Not all “thank yous” are created equal. Research (and thousands of lived experiences) show that gratitude is most impactful when it is:

1️⃣ Specific. Clearly name what is appreciated and why it matters.
2️⃣ Regular & timely. Give close to the action or behavior so that the connection feels real and reinforcing.
3️⃣ Tied to both outcome and effort. Recognize the work, the results, and what went into the results, not just success.
4️⃣ Authentic. Be genuine, say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don't come from a place of obligation or performance.
5️⃣ People-centered & personalized. Match the preferences, identities, and needs of the person you're thanking (not your own)
6️⃣ Equitable & inclusive. Ensure all contributors and teammates are recognized regularly and fairly.
7️⃣ Reciprocal. Make sure appreciation flows in all directions, not only top-down.
8️⃣ Systematized. Build into team rhythms and structures so it doesn't depend solely on memory, mood, or convenience.
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Here’s a quick before-and-after to illustrate what specific gratitude might sound like:

The formula is: Gratitude + What For + The Impact​
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And if you follow it, people understand WHY their contributions and efforts matter. They know WHAT to keep doing because the gratitude is clear and actionable.

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A Quick Story

One of my coaching clients decided to try a tiny gratitude experiment. Instead of saving gratitude for big wins, she began offering specific, 20-second acknowledgments in her 1:1 check-ins. Just 20 seconds at the beginning of every meeting, with about 2 minutes of preparation.

After just a few weeks, she noticed a few things:

• Tension decreased
• People seemed more energized to come to 1:1s
• Her whole team began to thank each other more
• One person even cried (in a good way)

Nothing about workload or roles changed, but the emotional climate shifted. And that's what I hope we can do more of with gratitude.
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Making Gratitude Reciprocal and Systemic

I believe in a world of work where gratitude isn’t dependent on who your manager is, how extroverted you are, or whether someone shows up at happy hour. Where gratitude is reinforced and flows between all people regardless of role, title, department, power, popularity, or privilege.

When gratitude only travels down or to the same familiar few, it stops being gratitude and becomes a form of gatekeeping. And when appreciation depends on one leader’s personality or one team’s good intentions, people get missed. Invisible labor stays invisible. Recognition becomes uneven, inconsistent, and rooted in bias rather than contribution.

Reciprocal gratitude changes that dynamic. It reminds us that we all contribute and deserve to feel valued — not once a year, not when burnout is showing, but regularly and reliably.

Systemic gratitude takes it a step further.

This means not leaving appreciation up to chance, but building it into our rhythms, rituals, and expectations the same way we build in performance tracking, budget planning, compliance, and everything else we claim matters.

It might look like:

• Personalized and specific thank you notes at the end of projects (as a ritual)
• Shoutouts built into team meetings
• Peer recognition rituals
• Annual gratitude campaigns
• Gratitude as an explicit part of performance reviews and check-ins
• Gratitude being embedded in the way we hire, fire, coach, delegate, and lead
• Monthly reminders to managers --> Who hasn't been thanked this month?
• Regular and inclusive appreciation events (with authentic gratitude baked in)

If gratitude only happens when someone “goes above and beyond,” it reinforces burnout.

But...if appreciation is shown for everyday contributions and for values in action, and when gratitude becomes reciprocal and systematized, that's what strengthens culture.

People stop wondering if they matter. They know they matter. And the bonus? You know they matter, too! It's a win-win!

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A Practical Challenge for You

In this week leading up to Thanksgiving, make a real effort to acknowledge the people on your team for real.

Complete this sentence and send it via email, Slack, or text without thinking too hard.

Thank you for _________ because ____________.

That's it.

It takes about a minute to prepare, 20 seconds to share, and...
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It could pause someone's job search.
It could change someone's day.
It could make someone's entire year.

Yes, real gratitude has that kind of power!
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I’m grateful for you, dear reader and follower, BECAUSE you care about leading humans well, BECAUSE you show up with compassion even when it's hard, and BECAUSE you are committed to learning new skills and deepening your practice.

This matters because the workplaces and teams we build today become the communities, families, and futures we all inherit tomorrow.

This matters because every act of human-centered leadership is a step toward a world where dignity, equity, and well-being aren’t privileges but the norm.

This matters because leadership changes lives, starting with the ones right in front of us.

YOU MATTER. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

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With gratitude,
Marissa

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PSSST - Looking for Ways to Go Deeper?

Join us for...

1. The Radical Rest Method w/ Jordan Maney — December 5
   ​People rarely feel grateful when they are overwhelmed, exhausted, or quietly drowning. Rest is how we refill the well that makes gratitude possible and meaningful. Learn more.
2. The Feedback Lab — December 8​
   Gratitude is a form of feedback. Join us to build fundamental skills you can use with your team right away. Learn more.