A Note From My 2019 Self 🥲👀
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Hey Friend, I was scrolling through the Notes app on my iPhone recently and stumbled across a stream-of-consciousness note from April 2, 2019. It made me cry, first in grief for my former self and then, in pride and joy for where I am now. The following was written while I was stuck on the subway in New York City on my way home from work. It was about six weeks before I gave notice at my job. Even though it feels uncomfortable, I'm sharing the unedited, unfiltered version because it may help you or someone you know... I’m angry that I’m here. That I’m sitting on a train moving nowhere without control. I want to be free. I want to liberate myself from my own expectations, from my own mind. I want to liberate myself from the expectations of others. I am enough, no matter what they say or do. I have to believe that. But is it true?
When I left at 5 yesterday, I felt their eyes watching. "Why is she leaving?" they silently judge. Even though I had put in my time. "But the work’s not done," they say in their minds. Even though I have done my damndest to get the work done and nobody will help or do their part.
The balls are dropping and cracking the foundation and I’m hanging on for dear life, crying out for help. But maybe the fault is already too deep. Maybe I can’t bridge it. Maybe I can’t heal enough here. But how will things be different elsewhere? In this vacuum of mediocrity and complacency, it’s hard to imagine an incubator that nourishes and teaches and heals and grows and learns and manifests real change. I don’t want to be a part of the problem. I don’t want to not be enough. But nothing I do will ever be enough. At least that's how it feels.
People judge my choices and can’t hide their disappointment. And there’s nowhere to go from there, nobody to talk to, nothing to do except continue moving forward. Except I’m stuck. Stuck on this damn F train. And I can’t move forward alone.
Why can’t I be independent and take care of myself? I hate that I can’t rely on myself to survive. Bare minimum just breaks even. How did I get here? Why am I stuck here? Where do I even want to be instead?
In the moment that this note was written, I was in the throes of intense burnout that was manifesting as a combination of awful physical ailments and high-functioning depression. You can feel in the words how hard I was fighting and how desperate I was. How alone I felt. How little I was making myself. This is the story of so many leaders I know and work with. This might be your story. It might also be the story your people are writing or ruminating on during their commute home. Fortunately for me, this was the before story. Here's the after...
I’m not stuck anymore. I spent years believing other people’s expectations were my cage. I set strong boundaries and demand that others respect them. I’m no longer gripping the crumbling foundation of other people's or any organization's dysfunction. Back then, survival felt like the best I could hope for. I’m not stuck on the F train anymore. I'm not quite where I want to be. Maybe you’re in your “before” story right now. Wherever you are: keep going. If any of this resonates, you don't have to carry it alone. Reloveution exists to help leaders and teams break harmful cycles and build cultures where humans can thrive. If you or your organization needs support in making that shift, I'm here. Really here. Relentlessly committed to creating a world where nobody has to write this kind of desperate note to themselves. Here are a few ways we can begin:
Your “after” story is worth fighting for. I’d be honored to help you get off the train and write it. I'm sending you lots of love! Happy Thanksgiving to those who are celebrating. May you be nourished in all the ways you need and then some. |
Reloveution Heartbeat | Marissa Badgley, MSW
We send 2-3 soul-affirming emails a month, each jam-packed with reloveutionary tips and tricks for strengthening teams and deepening leadership impact. Plus some real-talk, music, and game-changing opportunities for your journey!