Hey Friend!

The last two weeks have been extremely full! Since my last newsletter, I facilitated a workshop on Compassionate Accountability, a Leadership Learning Luncheon, a Millennial Manager Circle, a workshop on The Feedback Equation, a workshop on Preventing and Healing from Burnout, an Executives & Senior Leader Circle, and a workshop on How Leaders Can Manage Big Emotions & Navigate Acting-Out Behaviors. PHEW!

That last workshop is what I want to share a bit more about, because the topic of "big emotions" keeps coming up and runs through everything I've been working on these last few weeks. I think it's something we need to talk about a lot more.

Sooooo....let's get emotional, shall we?!

A few years ago, everything at work was about emotional intelligence. Then, I started talking more about emotional honesty. And now? I want to scream from the rooftops about the ingredient I think we are missing: Emotional integrity.

Across teams and organizations, people are feeling a lot. This probably doesn't surprise you. In most workplaces, things feel more emotionally messy and complex than what we've historically considered "professional."

There used to be an unspoken rule: keep it together, push through at all costs, don't bring your feelings to work.

Now, the "there's no crying in baseball" days seem to be behind us, and the pendulum has swung in the other direction.

• Leaders are trying to be therapists, and employees are expecting them to be.
• “Emotional Honesty” is being used as permission to show up however we want.
• Processing is happening during the meeting rather than before or after.
• Emotional reactions are driving decisions more than shared goals or agreed-upon priorities.
• Accountability conversations are getting derailed by emotional intensity.
• Discomfort is being interpreted as harm, rather than a normal part of growth or feedback.

In other words, emotions are being expressed without much structure, containment, or shared understanding of what's "appropriate." And while many leaders have been trained in emotional intelligence, most of us have never been taught how to build healthy emotional cultures with a high bar of emotional integrity.

This is where I think we need to move towards.
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A healthy emotional culture isn’t about suppressing feelings, and it’s not about letting emotions run the show either. It’s about building capacity in three areas:

Emotional Honesty - Knowing how you honestly feel and expressing your most truthful and authentic emotions to others.

Emotional Intelligence - The ability to identify, understand, express, and regulate your own emotions and recognize and influence the emotions of others.

Emotional Integrity - The ability to align your emotions, values, and behavior by expressing what you feel in ways that are honest, responsible, and respectful of others and the work. Knowing what you feel and taking responsibility for how you express and act on those emotions.

That last one is the one I think so many of us are missing.
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When emotional integrity is absent, we tend to swing into a few predictable patterns:

Emotional dumping - Sharing feelings without filtering for impact, timing, or responsibility. Using “authenticity” to justify harm.

Emotional absorption - Taking on other people’s emotions as ours to fix or carry. Letting empathy override boundaries and accountability.

Emotional avoidance - Shutting down, bypassing, or hiding emotions to maintain control or avoid discomfort.

Therapist mode - Leaders overstepping role boundaries in the name of care. Prioritizing emotional processing over clarity, accountability, and forward movement.

These patterns aren't random.

For many people, strong emotional expression was learned early in life as a survival strategy, a maladaptive yet very effective way to regain control, avoid punishment, protect dignity, or have needs met (think temper tantrums in grocery stores, acting out in class, groveling for a better grade, shutting down to avoid getting in trouble, blaming your little sister, and getting louder or more emotional to be taken seriously). We're not actually very far from our childhood selves.

Unless we are taught, these strategies don’t magically disappear in adulthood. They just get repackaged and show up at work in more socially acceptable (but still disruptive) ways. Especially when things feel uncertain, high-stakes, or scary.

Adding to this, people often learn to use emotions as a power move, used to deflect accountability, recenter attention, or shut down critique. Think turning critique into a debate to avoid accountability, saying “I need space” without returning to the conversation (and knowing your boss won't come back to it), and/or raising the emotional intensity (yelling, slamming fists, threatening) so others back off.

All of this becomes especially problematic in cultures that lack clarity and accountability. Which is why I'm writing to you today. We can do better.

It's really important to understand that emotional honesty does not mean we can show up however we want without consequences. And leadership does not mean becoming a therapist to our direct reports. We can and must care deeply about people, and we can and must expect them to show up in ways that are responsible to others and the work. That’s emotional integrity.

When emotional integrity is present:

• People are real and responsible
• Feedback lands without exploding
• Conflict becomes workable
• Leaders lead (without becoming therapists)
• Teams can get things done

And the best part is that emotional honesty, emotional intelligence, and emotional integrity are learnable skills. We just have to take the time to teach, practice, reinforce, and support them.

Sound like something you need help with? I've spent dozens of hours just this month teaching these frameworks and facilitating conversations about "big emotions." Book a connection call or reply to this email to discuss what's showing up on your team and how we can help you or your organization build a healthier, more grounded emotional culture.

Always cheering you on,
Marissa