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Hey Friend!
Happy Halloween Eve! Today, I'm honoring the season by acknowledging a few of the monsters haunting our workplaces, Zoom meetings, and relationships. These are the eerie feedback practices that really make me want to scream...
- Ghosting
- The Sandwich Method
- Sugarcoating
- "We Need to Talk"
- Radical Candor (the misused edition)
- Tough Love
Read on to learn who they are, why they're scary, and what to do instead! You can also listen to our latest Soapbox Episode of ChatGMB on Why I Hate the Sandwich Method and Sugarcoating. Check it out here.
PSST - There's also a special treat "hidden" in this newsletter. But you didn't hear it from me."
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π» Ghosting
Fear factor: πππππππ (7/10)
What it is: When someone disappears after a conversation, project, or moment that clearly needs closure. When there is silence where there should be dialogue.
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Why itβs harmful: It breeds uncertainty, anxiety, and resentment. People canβt grow without clarity, and a lack of communication causes individuals and teams to spiral into overthinking and assumptions.
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What to do instead: Practice closure competence. Follow up, clarify, and check in, even if what you have to share is hard, uncomfortable, or incomplete. βHereβs where we areβ is infinitely better than radio silence. β
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π₯ͺ The Sandwich Method
Fear factor: ππππππππ (8/10)
What it is: The βclassicβ feedback model that serves criticism or correction between two slices of compliment or praise.
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Why itβs harmful: It conditions people to dread praise and distrust positive feedback, since it often signals bad news to come. It also dilutes the message, and people are left guessing what's real.
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βWhat to do instead: Build a culture where positive and constructive feedback flows directly, freely, and regularly. Start and end with gratitude or confidence, instead.
You can use the code NOSANDWICH to access 50% off your Feedback Lab registration. But only until November 7!
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π Sugarcoating
Fear factor: ππππππ (6/10)
What it is: The practice of softening truth until itβs palatable, or so diluted that no one knows what needs to change. It looks sweet, but it rots your cultureβs teeth.
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Why itβs harmful: It prioritizes comfort over clarity and creates more confusion, frustration, and mistrust in the long run. When we ask people to sugarcoat their words, we're usually asking them to code-switch to protect someone else's comfort. This often looks like asking folks with less power to adjust their communication to fit dominant cultural norms.
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βWhat to do instead: Lead with compassion and accountability. We need BOTH.
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π¬ βWe Need to Chatβ
Fear factor: πππππππππ (9/10)
What it is: The dreaded Slack message, calendar invite, or drive-by comment that sets off alarms without any relevant context. It might also sound like, "Got a minute?" or "Let's take this offline" or "Are you free right now?". Whatever the words are, they result in an instant cortisol spike.
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βWhy itβs harmful: It triggers anxiety and defensiveness before the conversation even starts, making productive dialogue nearly impossible. People are left to fill the information void with their own stories, which are usually far worse than what is about to happen.
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What to do instead: Communicate transparently and include context. Try:
βCan we connect tomorrow about X? Nothing urgent, I just want to align before our meeting with the Board!β or
"I just put a meeting on your calendar to discuss yesterday's meeting. There's no need to stress. This is about debriefing and making sure we both left with the same takeaways." NOTE: I know there are sometimes circumstances where we truly canβt share the full context ahead of time (i.e., when something is confidential, sensitive, or still unfolding). However, too often, βWe need to talkβ becomes a subtle power or control flex, and it's often unnecessary. We need to be honest about this and check ourselves. Are you withholding information to maintain your own comfort for longer or to have the upper hand in the conversation? If so, consider shifting your approach for the sake of the relationship and outcomes. It matters.
Even when full transparency isnβt possible, we can still offer psychological transparency and enough context to help someone stay grounded and safe. Something as simple as:
βIβd like to connect tomorrow about X. Iβm not able to share more details right now, but I want you to know this isnβt anything bad or urgent.β or
βIβd like to talk about something that came up yesterday. Itβs not a crisis, just something worth processing together.β Those few extra words shift the tone from control to care, and from power to partnership.
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π₯ Radical Candor (Misused Edition)
Fear factor: ππππππ (6/10)
What it is: A well-intentioned model thatβs often misapplied as a free pass for bluntness, bias, or cruelty. Often disguised as βauthenticity,β but it bites.
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Why itβs harmful: Without real relationship and care, βcandorβ becomes weaponized honesty. It breaks trust instead of building it.
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βWhat to do instead: Truth-telling works best when there is a preexisting foundation of relationships and trust. Practice compassionate candor, a balance of courage, context, accountability, and compassion.
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π©Έ Tough Love
Fear factor: πππππ(5/10)
What it is: Feedback framed as βIβm being hard on you because I care.β
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βWhy itβs harmful: Tough love is built on the belief that shame or hitting "rock bottom" will force a person to change. In reality, shame is rarely a motivator for positive change; instead, it often leads to hiding, emotional shutdown, and even a worsening of the initial problem. Tough love often justifies emotional harm or power imbalance in the name of development. Itβs love without consent or compassion.
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What to do instead: The most effective leaders give clear guidance, offer compassionate feedback, and create psychologically safe spaces where people can try, fail, learn, and ultimately succeed. They challenge individuals to stretch beyond their comfort zones while ensuring everyone feels supported, trusted, and valued in the process β fostering a true culture of growth and continuous learning.
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PHEW! That's a lot of scary monsters, and they all have one thing in common: they're about how we give and receive feedback, at work and everywhere else.
We spend so much time dancing around discomfort, trying to minimize pain, or attempting to avoid conflict that we forget that feedback is supposed to help us grow, NOT haunt us.
The good news? We donβt need garlic, sage, or holy water to fight these demons. We need better tools, more trust, reliable frameworks, and a few new scripts.
Thatβs exactly what we're giving you at The Feedback Lab on November 17. This is a one-day immersive experience for humans who want to build their feedback competence and make giving and receiving feedback a lot less frightening! Because feedback done right doesnβt haunt; it heals.
Want to defeat these six monsters (and several more)?
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Not quite ready for the full intensive? As promised, I've released THREE new ChatGMB episodes since last week:
Take a listen and let me know what you think!!
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Okay, as per usual, this email is MUCH longer than I intended. So I'll leave you with a reminder to give yourself grace. Yes, these feedback habits are problematic. AND if you're guilty of using them? It's okay. You're not alone. And it's possible to course correct. Most of us were never taught how to do this well, and I've got your back if you're ready to shift and grow!
Here's your Halloween treat as a token of appreciation for reading this far. Use the code NOSANDWICH for 50% off your Feedback Lab registration (but only through November 7).
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BIG HUGS,
Marissa
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